Gaat er dan nooit iets goed ....

Gaat er dan nooit iets goed ....

1. De wet van Murphy
Als er iets verkeerd kan gaan, dan gebeurt dat.

2. Het commentaar van O'Toole op de wet van Murphy
Murphy was een optimist.

ad 2. Het commentaar van Goldberg:
O'Toole was een optimist.

3. De abominabele wet (of de niet-zeggen-wet)
Zodra je iets noemt ....
....als het goed is, verdwijnt het.
....als het slecht is, gebeurt het.

4. De niet omkeerbare wetten van de verwachtingen
Negatieve verwachtingen leveren negatieve resultaten op.
Positieve verwachtingen leveren negatieve resultaten op.

5. De wet van Howe.
Iedereen heeft een eigen stelsel dat niet werkt.

6. Zymurgy's eerste wet van de zich ontwikkelende systeemdynamica.
Als je eenmaal een blik wormen hebt opengemaakt, is de enige manier om ze weer ingeblikt te krijgen: een groter blik nemen.

7. De waarneming van Etorre
De andere rij gaat sneller.

8. De constante van Skinner (Flannagans knoei-factor)
De hoeveelheid die, indien vermenigvuldigd met, gedeeld door, opgeteld bij of afgetrokken van het antwoord dat je gekregen hebt, je het antwoord oplevert dat je had moeten krijgen.

9. De wet van de selectieve zwaartekracht
Een voorwerp valt altijd zó dat het de meeste schade veroorzaakt.

9a. De gevolgtrekking van Jenning.
De kans dat een boterham valt met de beboterde kant omlaag, is recht evenredig aan de prijs van het tapijt.

10. De eerste wet van Gordon
Als een researchproject niet de moeite waard is om te doen, is het niet de moeite waard het goed te doen.

11. De wet van Maier.
Als de feiten niet in overeenstemming zijn met de theorie, moeten ze weggewerkt worden.

12. Hoare's wet van de grote problemen.
Binnen in elk groot probleem zit een klein probleem dat worstelt om eruit te komen.

13. De eerste wet van Boren.
Bij twijfel, mompel.

14. De gouden regel van kunsten en wetenschappen.
Wie het goud heeft, maakt de regels.

15. De onderscheiding van Barth.
Er zijn twee typen mensen: degenen die de mensen onderscheiden in twee typen en diegenen die dat niét doen.

16. De wet van Segal.
Een man met één horloge weet hoe laat het is. Een man met 2 horloges is er nooit zeker van.

17. De 90-90 regel van projectschema's.
De eerste 90 procent van het werk neemt 10 procent van de tijd in beslag en de laatste 10 procent neemt de andere 90 procent.

18. De vierde wet van Farber.
Noodzaak is de moeder van vreemde slaapgenoten..

19. De wet van Hofstadter.
Alles duurt langer dan je denkt ook al houd je rekening met de wet van Hofstadter.

20. De wetten van Scott
- De eerste wet van Scott: Wat er ook fout gaat, het zal waarschijnlijk correct lijken.
- De tweede wet van Scott: Als een fout is opgespoord en verbeterd, zal blijken dat het in eerste instantie eigenlijk al correct was.
- Toevoeging aan de wetten van Scott: Als duidelijk is dat de verbetering onjuist is, zal het onmogelijk blijken de oorspronkelijke toestand terug te krijgen.

21. Stapp's Paradox
De algemene aanleg voor onzinnigheid maakt iedere menselijke prestatie een ongelofelijk wonder.

22. Generalisatie van de Wet van Murphy
Als iets kan gebeuren, zal het gebeuren.

23. Wet van behoud van ellende
Als het ene probleem wordt opgelost zal daardoor het volgende probleem ontstaan. Zie ook: Behoudswet, voor de natuurkundige wet.

24. Wet van de remmende voorsprong
Trendsetters kunnen ingehaald worden door trendvolgers, omdat die het gemakkelijker hebben. Zie ook: Jan Romein.

25. Schoonmoeder-amendement op de Wet van Murphy
Als je wilt dat iets fout gaat, dan gaat het juist niet fout

You might be an engineer if ...

You might be an engineer if ...

you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
your wrist watch has more computing power than a p-90
your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
your favorite james bond character is "Q".
your family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
you'll assume that a horse is a sphere in order to make the math easier.
you window shop at radio shack
you want ram memory for christmas
you use a cad package to design your son's pine wood derby car
you understood more than five of these indicators.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.
you think the real heroes of "apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
you think in math.
you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you own "official star trek" anything
you might be an engineer if ...
you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
you look forward to christmas only to put together the kids' toys
you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be. (from mduffin3)
you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
you hesitate to look at something because you don t want to break down its wave function.
you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what rpn stands for.
you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
you have ever taken the back off your tv just to see what's inside
you have a pet named after a scientist.
you have "dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
you frequently whistle the theme song to 'macgyver.'
you enjoy pain.
you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
you consider any non-science course easy.
you chuckle whenever anyone says 'centrifugal force.
you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "exit"
you can translate english into binary.
you can name 6 star trek episodes
you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
you are completely addicted to caffeine.
you are better with a karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
you always do homework on friday nights.
when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
the humane society has had you arrested because you actually performed the schroedinger s cat experiment.
the fun center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
in college you thought spring break was metal fatigue failure.
dilbert is your hero
at christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

Is God an engineer?

Is God an engineer? Which kind?
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing about what type of engineer God is. Of course, since they're engineers, they all think they're right. So the Chem-E gets up and declares,"God had to be a chemical engineer. Look at all of the veins and chemical flow rate problems in the human body!" But the others would have none of it. "No way. Look at all the joints and motion in the human body.God had to be a mech-e," declared the mechanical engineer. But the electrical engineer couldn't believe it. "No way. Look at all the electric currents in the nervous system. God had to be an electrical engineer." But the civil engineer wouldn't have it. "Come on guys, you're overlooking the obvious. God had to be a civil engineer. Look at the female body. He ran a sewer through a playground."

Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?

How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

You're sweeter than glucose. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

What if microsoft built cars?

If Microsoft Built Cars ...
1.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2.Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3.Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4.You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6.The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7.The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11.The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13.They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14.There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15.Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16.Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17.If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18.If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19.Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20.You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

Werkmoraal

• Domme vragen bestaan niet,alleen domme mensen.
• We bluffen ons er wel doorheen
• Een gegeven kaart moet je niet in de bek kijken
• Morgen lachten we erom maar dan janken we weer om andere dingen
• Je moet je zelf makkelijk maken,want anderen maken het wel moeilijk voor je.
• Ik ben ook geen Neerlandici
• Je moet loeien met de riemen die je hebt.
• Ik ben musici, ik speel twee instrumenten
• Wat is een kantoortuin zonder een paar moesplanten?

Ter overdenking:

The trouble with work is... it's so daily.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
"Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves," some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I have no axe to grind, but I have an ivory letter opener that could use some sharpening.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
The really efficient laborer will be found not to crowd his day with work, but will saunter to his task surrounded by a wide halo of ease and leisure. - Henry David Thoreau
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - Ashleigh Brilliant
Price. Quality. Service: Pick two.
I owe! I owe! So off to work I go!
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off - Anon.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them. - Robert Frost.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Notice: The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them."
I may take your call and sound like I am smiling but you have no idea what I am doing on my end... like laughing at your account balance?
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Granted, Mr Wheeler's ideas are stupid and unreasonable, but he does own the company andI think we should go along with him...
They say that you are put on earth to accomplish a certain amount of things. Right now I am so far behind... I'll never die...
One of the greatest labour saving inventions of today is tomorrow. - Vincent T. Foss
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?
They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est - Never let the bastards grind you down!
"I love the ""swooshing"" sound deadlines make as they go by."
Man is the only species on the face of the earth that will work so hard to be lazy.
Please do not inquire as to the apparent inefficiency of my work. The nature of it requires such a high degree of secrecy that I am not permitted to know what I am doing!
The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.
Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.
If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember that if it wasn't for you the damn thing would fall over.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.
The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
REAL procrastination is watching a hungry bear walk up to you while having a picnic, and not running because hey, you've got the rest of your life.
"'The harder I work, the luckier I get.' Thomas Edison;
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
Having sex with our staff ensures quicker service.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!
A company is known by the people it keeps.
The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
"""That's Bill for ya, always sharpening his sleeping skills..."""
the old Klingon proverb: Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die.
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
Tired of your clothes sticking to you like glue? Use statis stopper for klingons!
You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and you're exhausted! Now comes LOGtime. You deserve more than just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG! WHAT is your name? 'Captain Jean-Luc Picard'. WHAT is your quest? 'I seek the Holy Grail'WHAT is the average velocity of a Bird of Prey?
Romulan or Klingon? I... I don't know AAAAAHHHHH!
Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse!
A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.
All right who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?
Beat me, whip me, make me write Tribble taglines.
Beverly can turn Data off but only Tasha can turn him on.
Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye!
Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows? - Worf
Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here? - Odo
Mr. Worf, scan that ship. - Aye Captain. 300 dpi?
<-*-o-*-o-*-o-*-o-*--- Tribble & onion kabob.
And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh...
Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation.
BorgDOS 5.0: Assimilate another (Y/N)?
Borger King: Have it our way, your way is irrelevant.
Clinton Borg Inhaling is irrelevant.
Cloak captioned for the Romulan impaired.
Distance is irrelevant - Pythagoras of Borg
Ensign Singer... Make it sew.
Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution...
Hey, Worf! I hooked Data up to a Modem... wanna see?
How come I can never find Troi when I'm mad at her?
I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ...ooooh donuts!
I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?
How do I set my Laser printer to 'Stun'?
I can't believe it. I've heard of this disease. - Beverly
I said Crusher, NOT Crush her! - Worf to his brother Kurn.
Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?
McBorg'ers: Over 1,000,000 assimilated.
Mister Worf, show these children the airlock. - Picard
Mr. Worf, fire at will. ** ZAP! ** Hey, where'd Riker go?
Strangely, Data finds himself relating to heavy metal.
The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T-shirt.
We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
Cry on someone else's shoulder, I'm off-duty. - Troi
A drunk Borg - Resistant as floor tile.
Honk if you've slept with Riker.
Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will.
Defect borg: Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated.
Original Pentium of Borg: Division is futile - your decimals will be approximated.
Captain, could I play some jazz? - Make it soul, No. 1
* <---- Tribble . <---TRIBBLE.ZIP
Ensign, fire at will - Ah, captain, I'd rather fire at Wesley!
"man, he's injured! ""Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a ... oh, ummm, yeah."""
He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet.
"""He's BREAD, Jim."" - McCoy after a tragic transporter accident while visiting planet Pillsbury.
"""He's DEAD, Jim. Get his ears."" - Spock"
"""He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?"""
"""He's DEAD, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served"""
"""Scotty, beam us aboard"". ""Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"""
"""Logic has nothing to do with it, it's just lust."" - Spock the pimp"
Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim
To HELL with the Prime Directive.... FIRE!!! - Kirk
"AAAAAGGGGHHHH"" - Any ""Classic"" Star Trek Security officer sometime during" the show.
"""Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..."" - Kirk"
Don't let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the 'Captain's Log'
"Spock to Kirk at his annual review: ""I'm tired or wearing the same shirt and I can't afford a good haircut.""" Kirk: To heck with the Prime Directive, I want to sleep with that girl!
"""Captain, I cannot believe my ears!"" - Spock"
Captain Kirk, meet my father. He's Dad, Jim.
"""Bother,"" said Pooh, ""Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers" on theHeffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the"bridge."""